Thinking Of You
by LoveForeverAlways
Summary: One-Shot songfic to Katy Perry's Thinking of You. SxA


**A/N **

**Hey. This is my first attempt at a song-fic, so I hope I did alright. I don't own the song, South of Nowhere, or any of the characters, no matter how much I wish I owned Ashley. ;)**

**Anyway, it's set sometime between the first few episodes of season three. And the ending is what I think should have happened in episode four. If it had then there would have been more Spashley time. Ah well. Let me know what you think :)**

_Comparisons are easily done  
__Once you've had a taste of perfection  
_

Perfection. The perfect word to describe you. The perfect word for our relationship. I've never been as happy as I was in the sacred months with you, Spencer. I've never fallen for anyone as I hard as I fell for you. Never loved anyone as much as I love you.

And I wrecked all of it. You loved me, and I broke your heart. My own, too, but I could live with that if I hadn't hurt you as much as I did. It kills me to see the pain in your eyes every time you look at me. Every time you see me and _him _together.

I swear I never meant for things to happen like this. Hurting you was something I tried so hard to avoid. I remember how hard you had to work to convince me that being together was the best thing for us both. I knew it was the best thing for me, the thing that I wanted more than anything else, but to risk you, your pain, your friendship, for that would be the most selfish thing that I could ever do.

_Like an apple hanging from a tree  
I picked the ripest one__  
I still got the seed_

So I pushed you away. Yet you never gave up on me. You never even seemed to consider it. That made it so much harder to stay away from you. To not kiss you when you were so close to me. Those few short weeks after you moved here was torture.

But I gave in, eventually. And if I could have spared you the heartbreak, I wouldn't regret them. Yet I can't deny that the time we spent together will be forever etched into my mind, regardless of the consequences it had for the both of us.

_You said move on  
Whe__re do I go?  
I guess second best, is all I will know_

Second best. That's all Aiden will ever be to me. I feel nothing for him, only friendship. But I can't bear to turn away the one person who doesn't hate me. And I include myself in that category. So it's him who I'm with now. Him who I spend my time with. Him who loves me.

But I can't return the favor. Sometimes, when the pain's really bad, I wish that I could love him, that I could forget about you. I even blame you for what happened.

Then I hate myself even more for even thinking about hating you. I could never do anything but love you. It's as natural as breathing to me. I will always love you, for as long as I live.

That thought used to terrify me, because I'd never felt like that before. What did it mean? I used that as an excuse for pushing you away. Now I regret that decision more than anything else. Every day, I wish I could go back an erase everything that happened between us.

I even wish that I'd never even met you, sometimes. But that would be unbearable than what I feel now. To never have heard your laugh, to never have looked into those eyes I love so much, to never hear you whisper my name. To never kiss your lips. To never hold you as you sleep in my arms. Unbearable. Unendurable. There isn't a fate that could be worse.

_Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
_

He doesn't understand why I can't be close to him. He thinks I've forgotten about you. I know now that that will never happen. So he doesn't understand why I pull away when he kisses me. Why I'm not truly there when he tries to have sex with me.

I just close my eyes and think of you. Wish it was your hands on my skin, your lips on my neck, your body pressed against mine, your heartbeat matching with my own. But I'll never have that again, so I pretend.

In those moments, it's always you. At first, it was hard to imagine it was you, because thinking about you caused me unimaginable pain. But it got easier. Now I can just lie back and close my eyes, reliving the nights that we spent together, and not what's happening in the present.

_What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
_

I lived for the nights you'd stay over. Your parents never suspected a thing. Well, until they caught us in bed together, but it wasn't as if we hadn't had plenty of opportunities to be alone together before.

You were so nervous the first few times, and I fell even harder for you because you were so damn adorable. No-one has ever made me feel what I felt when I was with you.

I hate Aiden, sometimes more than I hate myself. He doesn't understand me. Not only that, but he doesn't care enough to stop and ask what's wrong. I told him to stop once. I even tried to push him off me, but he wouldn't listen so I gave up.

That was a bad night. After he'd gone to sleep, I cried. I cried because I knew that you would never do that to me. You would always listen to me. You would always know when something was up with me. You would never force me into anything. And that only made me love you so much more.

He doesn't do any of that. I hate him because he isn't you. And I hate myself for wishing that he was you. For not being able to move on, even though I think part of me would die if I couldn't remember you – your face, you're the tine of your voice, the shade of your eyes, the shape of your lips.

And most of all, I hate what my life has become since I let you slip through my fingers.

_Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes_

I love your eyes. They're that type of sky-blue that you can look into forever, and never want to look away. I always felt like I was falling when I looked at you, and it never scared me, because I knew you'd always be there to catch me.

I loved how they got darker when things got heavy between us, more ocean-blue than sky. Then I felt like I was drowning in you, and I loved every second of it. I wouldn't change those memories for the world.

_You're like an Indian summer  
In the middle of winter  
Like a hard candy  
With a surprise center  
_

The day that you walked into my life, I knew you were different. That you weren't the same as the other girls that I knew. I was awful to you at our first meeting, and I'm so glad that I found you to make up for it. That was when I first started falling for you. I wanted to know you better, because you were different. I didn't even know if you were gay. But I didn't care. You were what I wanted.

Then I persuaded you to come over, and I think I scared you a little. I made up for that as well, though. I was so jealous when I though you liked Aiden. You have no idea how much. It drove me insane. But then you told me you were gay at the beach, and I didn't want to believe it. Good fortunes like that just didn't happen to me. So I had to make sure it was true.

I drove you away again then, but I made up for it (again). Looking back, I realize just how many mistakes I made, and I'm surprised that you kept accepting me back. I always wondered why you didn't leave me sooner. But I fucked it all up at prom, and ended it all.

_How do I get better  
Once I've had the best__?  
_

I don't know how I'll ever be able to love anyone else when you're constantly on my mind. It seems like an impossibility right now. Because no-one else could have an ounce of the attraction that you have. You drew me like a moth to a flame, and the best part was that you had no idea that you were even doing anything.

_You said there's  
Tons of fish in the water  
So the waters I will test_

I wish that I could look at other girls and think about being with them. Get to know them. And believe me, I've tried. I tried to go back to my old ways, in the hope that I would forget about you. I went to a club, and started dancing. It didn't take long for me to attract attention.

But every girl I looked at reminded me of you. Even if they looked nothing like you. I would think how you were better. And I couldn't bear to do anything with them. Because then all I'd be able to think about was the times when I made love to you, and the wounds were too fresh then.

That was before me and Aiden got together. Or, more accurately, before he kissed me and decided that we were back together. It was easier on my part to go along with it and pretend to be happy.

Then I saw you in school the day after. I will never forget the look on your face that day. It's branded into my memory, and will be until the day I die. The disappointment and pain there was too much for me. So I tried to deny that there was anything going on between us, tried to make you feel better, and only succeeded in pushing you further away.

_He kissed my lips  
I taste your mouth  
_

I can hardly stand it when he kisses me anymore. I don't know if he's noticed. I don't even think I care if he's noticed. At least then he'll break up will me, and then I won't have to pretend for anyone. I can just wallow in my own self-pity.

He still tries, though, so I guess he's either ignoring the fact that something's wrong, or just doesn't care it anything's wrong. I can't bring myself to care either way.

It's still so easy for me to imagine that it's you kissing me, so it's fine if he wants to keep trying. Then I can live in my deluded fantasy world for just a few seconds longer, before it all comes crashing down and I remember what a mess I've made, and how much you should hate me.

_He pulled me in  
I was disgusted with myself_

Sometimes I feel like I'm a whore. I though that before you, sometimes as well though. With the amount of girls I slept with, it was a good analogy for me. When I met you, I tried to change, so that I was better than what I used to be. Because you were so far out of my league that you were practically in another country.

Now it's even worse, though. Because when I'm with Aiden, I just basically let him use my body, let him do whatever he wants, because it's like I'm not there. And isn't that the definition of a prostitute? Someone who uses their body for sex? That's what I feel like. Every day. It's not even just when he's with me anymore.

Afterwards, I always shower. He just thinks it's because I'm cleaning up, which is true, I suppose, in a way. It sounds weird, I know, but I do it to try and make myself cleaner. I always feel dirty after being with him.

So I have the water on so hot that is scolds me, and I enjoy it. I wait until my skin is so red that it hurts to touch it. Then I get out, and welcome the pain when I dry myself off. Because I deserve it for the things that I've done. It's my own personal kind of punishment.

_Cause when I__'m with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into..._

I told him to leave tonight. I just couldn't live the lie anymore. It was killing me. So I decided to face the music, and tell him that we couldn't be together any more.

He looked so hurt, but any sympathy I had for him disappeared when he tried to force himself on me. I managed to get him off me. He looked murderous for a few seconds, before looking like regular Aiden again. But I wasn't fooled.

How could I have ever loved him? How could I have ever compared him to you? You're everything he's not.

Then I told him to get out again, and he started shouting. I didn't catch half of what he said to me. But I do remember him saying something like "your straight when you want me, you're gay when it's convenient."

I suppose it's true. Not that I'd ever tell him that. He left then, and I was alone. Finally, completely, alone.

_You__'re the best  
And yes I do regret  
How I could let myself  
Let you go  
_

For as long as I can live, I will never forgive myself for letting you go. Not even if I live for a thousand years. And I don't think you will ever forgive _me _for what I did to you. And I don't blame you. I wouldn't forgive myself if the roles were reversed.

I doubt that there will be anyone better than you in my life. I don't deserve it. I didn't deserve you. But I was still selfish enough to want you; even if I knew you should have better. If you had had better, then you would have never been put through this pain. And you'd already be happy.

I told you, over and over again, how you deserved someone better than me, but you didn't listen. Now you probably think that that was the most truthful thing that I ever said during the time we were together. I know that's what I think.

_Now the lesson__'s learned  
I touched it I was burned  
Oh I think you should know_

If I ever manage to love again, I wish I could let you know that I will never make the same stupid mistakes that I did with you. If I did that to someone again, it would destroy me. So if my bad luck ever runs out, I swear I'll make it work.

For you.

I know that that probably isn't what you'd want to hear, even if you could hear what I think, but still. I believe that even if you hate me now, that you'd want the best for me, and for me to be happy. Because that's what I want for you. As long as you're happy, I can live with myself for what I did to you.

"_Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes  
Looking into your eyes  
Looking into your eyes  
Oh won't you walk through  
And bust in the door  
And take me away  
Oh no more mistakes  
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..."_

I was so immersed in the song that I didn't even notice you opening the front door and coming into the house. I didn't notice you walk up the stairs to my room. I didn't hear you knock on my bedroom door, or your soft breathing as you listened to me singing.

I don't know why I looked towards where you were standing when I'd finished – I think some subconscious part of my mind knew you were there. Because somehow I always know. I always know when you're close, or when you're looking at me. Always.

So I glanced towards the now open door, and I saw you stood there, and I'd never felt so happy in my entire life. Because I knew that you knew how much I missed you in the second that our eyes met. Your gorgeous eyes were filled with tears, so they sparkled like the sea they reminded me of. I never stopped loving you for a second, and it was only then that I realized I wasn't the only one.

I thought you'd hate me, but looking at you now, I can see that you don't. That you still love me, that you never stopped loving me, just as I did with you.

You're still stood there, and you're too far away for my liking. So I move closer to you, because I can never be close enough. But as much as I want to walk straight up to you, gather you in my arms and kiss you until I pass out from lack of oxygen, but I don't. I stop a few feet away, giving you space.

"Ash . . ." Your voice is barely even a whisper, and I automatically step closer so that I can hear what you say next. "I love you. I never stopped. I never _will _stop_. _And not telling you that was killing me. I had to say something, so I came here. I don't care if you're with Aiden, Ash. I love you, I'll do anything to be with you. Even if that means sharing you with him then – "

I cut you off with a kiss, because what you were saying was ridiculous. That I would ever choose him over you. You're hands slide to me waist and pull me closer to you, and mine move to you neck, pressing your lips down more firmly to my own.

Kissing you is my own personal heaven. Nothing will ever compare to the feeling off you soft lips against my own. It wasn't rushed, wasn't urgent, wasn't leading to more like Aiden's kisses always were. It was just you and me, and I couldn't me happier.

When we broke apart (after quite a while, I might add) we just stood there, looking into each others eyes in comfortable silence. Eventually, though, I decided to break it.

"I love you too, Spence. Forever and always. Nothing will ever change that." I kissed her again, just to show her I was serious, but also because after so long it was hard to keep my hands off of her. She was the first to speak, this time, after oxygen was required.

"Aiden?"

"Aiden means nothing to me. I broke up with him tonight actually. It's you I love. You who I need. You who I want. You who I want to be with. I've been stupid in the past, Spence. Can you ever give me the chance to prove that I can be in a functional relationship with wrecking it?"

"There was never anything to forgive, Ash." She kissed me, then, and all thought flew out of my mind. As long as she was here, with me, then I knew we could get through anything, and that we'd be ok. And that was all I needed.


End file.
